Wednesday, January 14, 2009

When you think too hard about things,

They cease to exist.
So I want to open a coffee shop.
The other day someone was trying to think up a name for me.
This is what he got:

Express Hole

Yeah... I know what you're thinking. It's one of two things.
"Yeah, that's got a nice ring to it..."
"Why, oh why, does that sound.... just... wrong!?"
I suppose there could also be a mixture of the two but believe me; it will slowly morph into being just the one. The 'wrong' one.
Because think about it. Read it again. Okay, now picture the font it might be written in. That doesn't really matter, we're just building an image here. Now say it out loud, slowly. Next, pop it into a hip sentence.
Example: "Yo man! We're off to Express Hole. You in?"
Now I know what some - or all - of you are thinking. That doesn't sound so bad. It's not even close to something as weird an awkward as perchance "Vomitrocious Coffee House". Because let's just face it- that's pretty freaking weird.
But isn't there just something about it that sounds... odd? It's not immediately noticeable but when you say it out loud and roll it around a little there's just something that gently knock on the door in your head and says "Yeah, hi... You realize that the phrase you've been repeating for the last five minutes has severely scandalized the group of people over your left shoulder right? Oh you didn't? Well yeah... it did."

And then you're stuck trying to explain to a bunch of strangers that you weren't muttering the name of a forbidden sex move, or an evil spell under your breath but quite simply.......

"Oh just forget it."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I believe in time machines. I do. For real and for serious.


Because if time machines don't exist... well then... How did Charles Darwin find out about evolution? HUH? HOW?
Have you ever ran directly into a wall?

I don't mean a wall that you didn't know was there, like those glass ones that usually double as sliding doors. Definitely not what I mean. That's understandable. Those walls, doors whatever.... they're sneaky. Neither do I mean a gentle bump as you pass through a hallway.

No. What I mean is have you ever been in your living area (house, apartment, RV, whatever), a space that you're obviously comfortable and familiar with, and while on your way to the kitchen, for example, your body suddenly decides to take a detour and *BAM*. Suddenly the box of cookies you were thinking of jumps to the back of the line of things to think of. Behind the pain, behind the nausea caused by the pain, behind the curses you're making up as you go along, behind the blindness caused by the lights swirling behind your eyelids. Then, as you stare up at the ceiling, wondering how you ended up sprawled on the floor you realize... you're bleeding.

That is what I mean when I ask if you've ever ran directly into a wall.

For those of you who know what I'm talking about.: Good on you. For those of you who don't... keep a weather eye open. It's coming. And when it does... it's going to hurt.