Monday, October 5, 2009

Blade and Twilight and TrueBlood, Oh my!


What is the sudden uproar about the undead? Why have the bloodsucking, pale, whiny R.Pat's suddenly become so insanely popular? And please for the love of all things garlicy and holy do not tell me that it is all because of the Twilight series because in all honesty... they sparkle, okay? SPARKLE!

So tell me how come all of a sudden Vampires have become something that bookstores can rationalize devoting a whole table and a sign to. Huh? How? Because this really blows my mind. Vampires have been around for ages, millennia if you choose to believe the tales but from where sprouts the insane ascent in popularity?

Now I for one understand the allure. I've been reading vampire novels for years. There is undoubtedly something enticing about living forever and being stunningly attractive. Even the unacceptably abhorrent requirement of drinking blood has a certain 'je ne sais quoi' about it. So I can understand the fascination and the honoured place vampires have held in the teenage-goth circles and such.

But I just can't wrap my head around this insanity that has sprung up around Edward Cullen and the Twilight series or the Vampire Diaries which have recently been turned in to a TV series, or TrueBlood another book-to-video cash cow. Charlaine Harris' novels were interesting and all, but I never really rooted for Bill. I'm much more partial to the were-people. I mean a) they're alive and b) they're always much more passionate characters.

Vampires have always held a certain fascination for me but if I was walking through the woods alone one day and a werewolf and a vampire popped out of the brush and said in eerie unison: "You have thirty seconds to select your fate; Eternal life, more or less as a human, or elongated life as half a beast." I know which one I'd pick and it wouldn't be cold or human.

Is that a little weird of me? Maybe, but I've never wanted to live forever. I mean it'd get boring after a while. It would've been more fun a while ago, being alive to see all the new inventions, the growing popularity of cars and technology, the new and emerging fashions, the protests, the political reforms, that all would've been awesome to live through. I suppose even now it'd be interesting enough to live a couple hundred years just to see what happens but I'd never want to live forever. I'd get bored and even more cynical about the human race than I already am. I would much prefer to live a long life and run around half the time as an animal just goofing off and digging holes and howling and such like. SO much more fun than sitting around all maudlin and getting increasingly cynical and hopeless as you watch the plight of the human species. Plus.... I wouldn't sparkle.

Seriously? Sparkling? How is that in any way attractive? "Hey! You look like an art project done by kindergartener who had one too many mouthfuls of paste! I'm terrified!" Which brings me back to the question at hand: Why are vampires so popular?

Is it because they're tortured and broody? I'll admit that's always attractive (at least in a man) but I'm not so sure I would want to spend a lifetime with tortured and broody. You're going to have to snap out of that eventually or you just get boring (again, back to the boring).

Is it because they're supernaturally attractive? How long would you be willing to put up with tortured and broody and cynical and probably repetitively annoying vampire-guy just for supernaturally good looks? And let's face it, the sex would probably be mediocre too.

So what is it about vampires that is making people... well okay women go all coo-coo for coco puffs over them? Seriously people, think about it. And once you've done that you'll see --once again-- that I'm right: Werewolves beat Vampires every time.

Because vampires are boring.

And sparkly....

Random graffitti. Most likely an ironic statement from a werewolf to a vampire.
Just to make sure you're STHUPER STHPARKLY for your dinner date!

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